More Dueams

I had another dream about Duane last night. My request for him to be alive had finally come through, but I didn't realize that, in being accepted, I had to do all of this paperwork and go from place to place and get things signed by certain people to keep him alive for exactly 24 hours. Well, since they had accepted me and were busy, they sent him back to being alive earlier than I thought they would and I still wasn't done with the paperwork. It had a deadline too, so I wasn't allowed to put it off. I was so excited to see him but I kept only being able to talk to him for a few minutes or see him a few minutes at a time because I was trying so hard to make sure and keep him alive by completing all of the forms and processes. I was very upset because I just wanted to have one last perfect moment with him. Just one more time that we could look at each other again and just FEEL all the love we had for each other. But my moment never came. I was waiting in one of the offices and I looked at the clock and realized with horror that Duane's last hour was up. I called him frantically, and to my overwhelming happiness, he answered the phone.

"Oh thank god! I thought...you know..." I couldn't bring myself to say it.
"Yeah, it's awesome! I guess they forgot about me."
"God, Duane, I'm so sorry this is taking so long...try to hold out for me," and then I was back to another office. A few hours later, I called again, I was about 2 hours away from finishing everything, and he answered again. I was more relieved than I think I've ever been. I told him to just wait a couple more hours and I'd have the rest of his time free and I'd gladly spend every last second of it with him.

After the last bit of paperwork I walked out of a different office and happily grabbed my phone and called Duane. Only this time he didn't answer. I had this horrid sinking feeling because I knew by this sign that Duane had been taken back.

So I cried today. I guess I feel like I've been doing this. Listening for anything. Waiting for Duane to come out and talk to me. My closet doors moved yesterday and I asked, "Duane? Is that you?" I'm so desperate to see him again, I've been letting my logic fail me, and every time he doesn't answer back, it's a new wound I have to tend to. Everyone that's been through something similar all say the same thing, "It'll never feel okay, but it gets easier to deal with." I feel hopeless.

I've been plagued with thinking about how my relationship will change with him over the years. I'll grow old, and he'll always be 24. I was always so impressed with his insight and looked up to him when he'd impart some wisdom to me. But one day...there will be a day when I am wiser than Duane was when he left. How can I still maintain my feelings? I WANT to always look at him as a teacher. Going through his emails I find things that I never took the time to notice before. He was such an intelligent person. But...what kind of anguish will I experience when I understand that I have learned all I can from him? He'll take on a new version of death, and it will hurt all over again. All of these steps I take away from him make him more dead. It feels like sawing off your hand to escape a worse fate.

God, the Jokester

I guess, I don't know what else to say about all this. I just prayed a few minutes ago. Let the record show, I'm very much an atheist. I'm very set in my atheism. I haven't been a Christian in a very long time. But I just prayed. I know it's ridiculous. But what I prayed for was that this whole thing was a very realistic bad dream. I said "If you give him back to me, I'll stop drinking and smoking and having premarital sex. Hell, I'll marry him and we will bring you SO many followers with how much love we have! You can have all the money back!" But nothing happened.

Then I faded in and out of thoughts about God. More half-dreams I guess. There was one where I was complaining about "If there's a God, then why doesn't he make himself available? Why doesn't he just come right out and talk to us?" People like to preach about "When God showed himself to David," and "When God talked to Noah." Why the FUCK isn't he talking now? Then I got a phone call, and it was my sister, but I was watching her talk to me on a phone from across the room. But it seemed like she wasn't talking to me, but someone else. Her answers weren't making sense, but I thought, "Maybe God is talking through her to me" and I said, "God, PROVE it's you!" and my sister says, "I would NEVER!" and hangs up the phone, and I'm left thinking, Is this a message for me from God or some stupid coincidence. The dream ended with me yelling into the sky "Why do you have to be so FUCKING cryptic!"

I'm having a hard time being motivated lately. Duane made sure that my future was taken care of, so all this stuff seems pointless now. Maybe it's a mix of that and the fact that I'm working so hard at trying to stay focused, and it's not working because I'm miserable and depressed, but I could die any second and have done all of this for nothing.